Oct 31, 1999 ~ I Cause Suffering

It took Jesus thirty-three years to come to a spiritual awakening. I need to learn patience. Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of starting a new religion. Why was I born with so much empathy? Will this come to anything? Will I ever reconcile my differences with the rest of the world? Will my spirit ever feel free, ever feel fulfilled? Tightness, tightness inside. Oh how I long for this weight to be lifted, but I realize that there is no one but me to lift it. It is all confusion. I am standing in a whirlwind of emotion and sudden realization, the world has been yanked from beneath my feet. I have realized... no ... I have admitted (of course it was inevitable) that no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop causing suffering. Never. I will never be entirely free from this cycle of death. Just breathing, just walking, just eating… all of it causes some loss, some suffering, on the part of another. I can continue to minimize my impact... but will never, ever beat the system. It will still be there.

Love. Selflessness. Mindfulness. Living with an awareness of how my actions affect everything around me. These are the only constants, the only spiritual truths which I know will never change. These are the only things that I can live with. These are what help me feel the Source. God comes to me in subtleties, in beauty... God is the connections, the life, the energy that makes it all worthwhile. God is glad of my realizations... but how can I go on living knowing that I am causing suffering... I try to make up for it. Oh, it is so hard! I must give something back.

Selfishness brings about suffering in this world. Oh, if I could only live every moment with my self as the last priority. *sigh* I am faulted.

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