March 29, 2000 ~ Melancholy

Over Spring Break I found out that someone I have loved for quite a while has just been putting up a front, and apparently hates me rather strongly. I had a feeling that she didn't like me, of course, but there was still hope... Well, now it's confirmed... I've been sad and melancholy about it. I still want what is best for her so badly. I am pretty hurt that she is turning against me so viciously, talking badly about me and saying very hateful things when my name comes up. I don't know for sure why, and I honestly don't understand how and why people can act like that.

She told me a while back that she was cheating on her husband. I simply warned her against doing so, and made a statement about how very much he loved her and how badly it would hurt him for her to do this to him... She said that she didn't think it was morally wrong unless he found out. I disagreed. But she had herself pretty convinced that no one would get hurt and decided to do her own thing. I told her that he would no doubt find out because he can read her. It was a bit more complex than that, but that was the general progression of the conversation. I don't want to go into too much detail, because I don't want her or her husband hurt by me writing this. I just want to get my feelings out. Anyway, sure enough, he found out (by no help from me) and is now miserable, and she has developed an extreme hatred of me, apparently. Perhaps she thinks that I told him? I don't know. Oy. *sigh*

Anyway, they are going through a very difficult time right now, and I just want to send out a wish that things will turn out for the best for them. Things must be so very hard for them right now. Such a breech of trust must be a major setback to a relationship. I can only imagine.

On a side note, this has also caused me to think a bit about how it feels to be hated for something that is completely out of my control. I wish I could understand.

On the brighter side of things, all of my midterms seem to have gone well. I am thinking about what classes I want to register for in the Fall Semester. It seems I may end up with four English classes all at once. That will be one hell of a workload. I think I could handle it though, and they are all classes that I really want to take. I also can't really find any other classes outside of the English department that really appeal to me. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I finished the Housing Department webpage. There wasn't a great deal of creativity involved, due to the fact that it was a professional page, but if you want to see it, it's here. I took a lot, but not all, of the pictures. I also got a chance to use a digital camera for a few days, and I learned how to use "name tags" to link to a place further down on the same document. That was helpful.

LATER:

Ironic that after I wrote this (but before I posted it, obviously) she confronted me. It started out with some expletives hurled in my direction, but it became a bit more constructive after that. She still hates me, but at least her feelings are out there in the open. She said she felt better after the whole thing. I hope that is true. I also hope that all this anger she has toward me is an indication that she is NOT angry with her husband, or blaming him in any way. That would be ideal.

I know things will never be the same with her, and that really bothers me. I have really enjoyed the several years that I have considered her a friend. Heck, I still consider her a friend. Just not a mutual friend, I guess. Kind of like unrequited love. I just hope I did the right thing in giving her husband my ear and support a few days back. I think he really needed it. I hope my actions there didn't have any terrible ramifications.

I am also so frustrated by the fact that I have just lost such good friends in such a terrible way. I've always hated situations like this. I want everything to be better. Maybe I try too hard sometimes... I hope so hard that I have acted appropriately through all of this.

And if YOU are reading this... I honestly do still love you. Gads. I think all the tears I've cried over this have proven it to me. It really helps me to write all this out, while keeping you anonymous. I hope you don't see this as some sort of underhanded backlash at you. It honestly isn't, though I know you probably will think it is. Oh well. Sometimes I wish people could read my mind... Then I could directly transfer these confused feelings to you. I love you. I love you. I hate losing you. I want it all to heal and go away. Maybe sometimes a clean slate isn't so awful as I expect it would be.

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