April 14, 2000 ~ If I Fall Apart...

10:00 p.m.

If I fall apart, will I be able to pick up all the pieces? Will anyone?

I turned in the RD Application today. I think I have a very good chance of getting the job. In fact, the only thing which may hold me back is the fact that people are concerned that I will give too much of myself... Over-commit. Dr. Bradshaw told me he hopes I will stop working on The Well if I get the RD position. He says he thinks it is really sad that I don't have any time for myself during my college years. I do have some time to myself. It is true that it is not a great deal, but it is there. Heck, I have time to update this journal, don't I? Anyway, Jon, the housing director, was concerned for the same reason. I have always been able to make time, however, and I always have an "open door." People always come before homework and such. I am a master at handling a tense situation and tons of stress. Besides... I honestly believe that having an RD position would make my work load much lighter. I would be able to quit my part-time job at the cafeteria. Also, next year, my work with The Well won't be nearly as hectic. I am also taking less credits. I think it will work out quite well.

I know, however, that most people can't handle as much responsibility as I have... A close friend now has a chronic disorder due to the fact that she took on too much and had a complete breakdown... I have been so happy this last year, though. I really don't see myself as being anywhere close to even dreaming of fizzling out. Next year will be better, I'm sure of it, ESPECIALLY if I have an RD position, because then I could cut down on my work, and I would be able to stop worrying about whether or not I will have to quit school and just start working full time because I can't afford it. I want so very badly to finish my formal education. I want to go on to a master's... maybe even a doctorate. I want to have kids and write novels and be fulfilled! *sigh*

Yesterday morning I went out and took the last of the pictures to illustrate The Well, and then met up with Scott and Ryan (the other editors). We dropped the film off at an hour developer, and then went out to lunch at Salsa's, a delicious Caribbean/Mexican Restaurant. It was wonderful. Next we went to pick up the film.

"It's blank," said the attendant.

"What?!?"

"The roll was blank. There were no pictures."

We looked at each other.

"You mean they got exposed?" I asked.

"No, I mean there wasn't any exposure on the whole roll. It was all blank." He showed us an entire strip of blank film. No markings anywhere.

"Oh... okay... crap."

"Do we need to... pay?"

"No, we didn't print anything."

"All right."

We left the store in a daze. "What do we do now?"

So I got chased by a bull for nothing. I laid in the mud in a skirt when it was snowing for nothing. I froze my rear off and spent several hours out with a camera for nothing. NO PICTURES WHATSOEVER.

Luckily, today, I was able to beg publications for their digital camera... So guess what I have to do this weekend when I am too incredibly busy. Take more pictures. Wonderful.

We still don't know what happened, exactly. Bad film, I guess. The camera was working perfectly the whole time. I checked EVERYTHING. *groan* *grumble* *sigh*

Anyway... That made for a big disappointment yesterday. Another big disappointment was the fact that I didn't get a work award. I was nominated for one, but the committee didn't choose me. Oh well, I guess. I know for a fact that at least a few of the other people who did win really deserved it. I just thought that maybe the fact that I started a whole new crew from scratch this year and worked a ton of overtime for no pay... and created something that has really done a great deal for the school... Oh well. I need to let it go.

There has been a pleasant drizzle all evening. It reminds me of Portland. I love the rain.

Li, Phillip, Morgan, and I got together this evening to cook some delicious asparagus stir-fry. It was great. The guys didn't help much at all as far as cleaning went, though, and I think Li was pretty annoyed by that. I was a little embarrassed that Morgan wasn't behaving himself and acting like the sweetheart I know he can be. Ah well.

They all went ahead down to the computer lab to use the multi-media room to watch a movie. I should either do some homework or take a long walk in the rain.

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