July 15, 2000 ~ Georgia, Storms, and Fiancées

YEAH!!! Georgia is alive!!! *ahem* ... now that I got that out of my system... An old high school friend, Georgia, finally wrote me back. About... sheesh, was it a month? Two? Anyway, a while back, my ex-fiancée told me he had run into her, and he got her email address, knowing that I would want to contact her. So... he emailed it to me, and I immediately wrote her... and she just now wrote me back! *excited and happy* So I have to write her back asap. I've missed Georgia! We used to have the best times together, and I have been missing her so much!

So anyway... Sorry for all the exclamation points in that last paragraph. I shall strive to suppress such obnoxious outbursts.

I hate mentioning the fact that I had a fiancée before Morgan. Every time I mention my "ex-fiancée" I cringe. Not because of the person he was/is, of course. Heavens no. It's just that, when I mention that I have had before a serious relationship in which I had planned to get married, it seems that I am, in some way, devaluing the current relationship I have with Morgan. It introduces that uncomfortable "well, you've been wrong before..." aspect into the situation.

I know Morgan is right for me, dammit. The previous relationship, though serious in some ways, was nothing compared to what I have with Morgan now. I didn't know what true love was then. I didn't know what fate had in store for me. I wasn't following instinct and destiny; I was only following the need for a companion at a very difficult and dark period in my life. I just couldn't let go of him, because loneliness seemed unbearable at a point when I had so little. So I drug it out, and I allowed something that wasn't meant to be go on. I was wrong, that time. I was terribly wrong. Deep down inside, I knew that the relationship wasn't right, and that it would end eventually anyway. I should have broken it off. But instead I said yes to a proposal, because I was scared of being alone, and because I was too damn proud. I was too proud to admit that my family and friends had been right all along: that he wasn't right for me. I didn't want to admit that all of my bullheaded insistence the entire time had been one big mistake. I didn't want to admit that my "perfect engagement" was anything but perfect.

And so now, I am engaged to the right man. I know this. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I know that I am fated to be with him. I have never been more sure of something in my life, and I am so very happy it sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I feel utterly fulfilled and happy when I think of our life together. I know in my heart and my head and my soul that it is right this time... but when I admit to other people (and in this journal) that there was, at one time, someone else that I agreed to marry, it seems to devalue my current relationship somehow. "Oh. She was engaged before. Well, that must mean that she doesn't take an engagement very seriously. This one probably won't last long either. She doesn't know how to commit." I do too, dammit. *sigh*

I am back from house-sitting. Starting tomorrow, I am on duty in the dorms. I really enjoyed house-sitting, even though there wasn't an internet connection at the place ;-) It gave me a chance to relax and read some, just Morgan and me, without the noise or hassle of the dorm. It was also nice to have a kitchen to ourselves and also to actually have a bath. I haven't taken an actual bath in so long. The dorms only have showers.

Last night there was a huge storm. It started rather suddenly. The wind suddenly picked up, doors were slamming with the gusts, and we started to hear thunder. We ran around the house, closing windows and turning off extra electrical appliances. We then turned off all the lights and fans, and crept upstairs to watch the storm through the big picture window. Their house is on College View, which overlooks the campus and the mountains beyond. It didn't take long for the storm to hit full force. Morgan was worried about tornadoes, for it was the perfect conditions for one. We watched as the peaceful, calm, warm night turned vicious within minutes. It started raining, and what had started out as sheet lightening started to do some very peculiar things. Bolts of lightening stretched from one side of the sky to the other, connecting cloud to cloud. It wasn't striking the ground, but it was as if there were giant electric sparks connecting the clouds. As the storm built, the lightening started striking the ground. We saw a few bolts strike the ground around campus. It was rather chilling to watch. At one point, it seemed as if everything was constant thunder, because there were very few breaks between all of the noise.

In Oregon we rarely had such violent storms. That is one thing that intrigues me about North Carolina (and many other sections of the US as well). The thunderstorms are so very violent and sudden. And strike lightening is a very frightening thing as well. It doesn't seem to happen as much in Oregon.

Eventually, the storm calmed, and we went to bed. I fell asleep to the sound of gentle thunder. Thunder always reminds me of TS Elliot's The Wasteland (a long poem), which reminds me of "Truth's Ember," a poem which I wrote about Thunder. (It's in this entry).

I had a dream about a tornado. When I woke in the morning, the storm had passed, and it was a gorgeous day. The air was unusually clear for summer in North Carolina, and I could see all of the distant mountains clearly. There was a pleasant breeze, everything was abundant and green, and small popcorn-clouds floated about the sky. I wish I had had time to get out that new digital camera.

Time for bed for me. Soon to come: And update of what I've been reading.

previous / archive / next