October 28, 2000 ~ Alone Despite My Love

We are tied soul to soul in this life. Two lives, joined in one, are mixed with one another to share a common destiny. We love purely without doubt, without hesitation, with a passion that is sometimes almost frightening. Soulmates we are indeed, always supporting, always helping, always enduring, and always touching heart to heart.

Sometimes, however, I am reminded of our fundamental differences, and, despite our love, I feel alone, cut off from intimate understanding, lost to him due to my idiosyncrasies. I am different, unusual, strange to him in some ways, and nothing will change that. Ultimately, when it comes to the fundamentals of one's spirit, we are all, every one of us, alone. Each uniquely different and strange, each uniquely cut off from all other beings of this earth with our individuality.

Stare into each other's eyes for all eternity, and still, we will never fully understand. Hence the beauty and also the pain of love: ever growing and learning, but never fully known.

Tonight we were discussing pacifism. He is a pacifist. I am an extreme pacifist. I would not act in physical or violent self-defense. I would allow a second blow, even a third, (as I have before) with nothing but a belief in the power of love that inspires compassion. I would love my aggressor and have faith in the soul's ability to change and have empathy. He said that he may do the same but inwardly would not love, but would hate.

We decided that there was just one minor, yet ultimate, difference between the two of us: he knows that, deep down, he fears extreme pain and death. I, however, know that, deep down, I do not. I have assurance of having experienced great pain, and the comfort of a definite and strong faith in something beyond this life. Morgan knows that deep down he doubts these things. I know that I do not. I also know that my tolerance to pain has before been tested, and held up to the test. I know that I have, in the past, been capable of loving, truly loving, my enemies, and turning them into friends, to mutual gain of both parties. I will not, I can not, inflict pain on another being.

As I see all of the violence and suffering around me, I know that it cannot be cured with more violence. I am an extremist, a purist, in this sense. No matter what the occasion, I will not use the infliction of pain as my weapon. One cannot fight for peace. I will never compromise that resolution. True, maybe it will earn me pain; maybe it will even earn me death. If that is the price of peace, then I will gladly pay it. Morgan thinks he would not.

I don't blame him. But I still feel alone.

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