November 30, 2000 ~ What It Means to Be a Dawntreader

I am up before the sun every morning, but I don't fully wake up until I step outside. I work the door in the cafeteria for breakfast most days, and it is a ten to fifteen minute walk, depending on how much time I have to dally. For the last several weeks, the sun has been rising during the course of my eastward walk. Every morning I watch the sunrise evolve as I walk to work. The colors change, the clouds light up, and I feel fulfilled.

This morning that did not happen. I think it might be getting deeper into the winter, which means the sunrise is coming later... which means that soon my morning walk will not include the sunrise. It will just be dark dark dark. I was waiting for a rosy red or purple tone, but all I saw was an icy blue, with stars still very visible.

I think missing the dawn had something to do with why it was so hard for me to wake up this morning. Slightly nauseous, unable to keep my eyes focused, and sneezey. That about describes it. Sneezey, you ask? Heh. When I don't get enough sleep, I sneeze a lot. Don't ask me why.

So when I got to the cafeteria I did something I rarely do. I drank Dr. Pepper for breakfast. It helped me wake up, all right! Sneezes went away, eyes could focus, I formed a few coherent sentences, and reports are in that I was even spotted smiling. Normally, the dawn does it for me. Today, it was Dr. Pepper. I didn't even choose Dr. Pepper entirely for the purpose of waking up, either. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that last time I got my normal orange juice, it was warm. There are many drinks that I love to have warm; orange juice is definitely not one of them.

The dawn is very symbolic for me. Dawntreader is, after all, my Internet handle. There is a very good reason for that. I am at a period in my life where things are starting to come into focus, where happiness is starting to tint my eyes with golden realization. Behind me is confusion, a lack of faith, pain, a broken family, hurt, and a loveless and depressed existence. Behind me is my myriad of angst, depression, distrust, and suicidal tendencies. Behind me is the night.

But now, daybreak has come, the clouds are changing colors, I can see clearer now than ever before, light and happiness are beginning to grace my life. I have found faith; I have learned to say, "I love you." I have forgiven my family and rid myself of my bitterness. I have forgiven the men who wronged me. I have learned to let go of my fear. I have found my soulmate. I have followed my dreams. I laugh freely and often now. Dawn has come to my life, and I am treading in this glorious illumination, exploring what it means to know the light of day. I respect my night. I have learned from it, and I wouldn't exchange it for anything. This dawn has given me courage and experience face the night yet again without falling into a spiritual night.

We picked up our wedding rings from the jeweler today. Sapphire with white gold... They are very beautiful; the jeweler did a wonderful job. Will have digital images soon!

Another WWC student just signed my guest book yesterday. Her journal is a fun read. I love the way she is relating everyday events but still manages to really portray what's going on in her head. She brings in memories and really analyzes her reactions to things. She has a very different personality than me, of course, but I think that's why I like her journal. Check out Angelina.

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