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June 2, 2002 ~ Wide Open
I've had a wonderful weekend, but something's been bothering me. Something I've seen a lot recently, and reminders of it lay scattered about the perimeter of my life like the flowers falling from the western catalpa trees in my backyard. I just hope those flowers don't start falling in the friendships that I hold dear.
Things would be so much better if people would just talk to and be honest with one another. I have recently seen so many friendships whither because of lack of honest communication.
Sometimes it's pride, other times it's fear (fear of feelings, fear of truth, fear of temporary hurt, fear of being wide open), but it's just so sad to watch. Both sides know that if they would just talk... they could have their friendship back, stronger than before, but... Something holds it back.
It's as if friendship, in our society, is not to be emotionally intimate. As if emotional intimacy is only to be shared by lovers, not by friends.
Sometimes I worry that I come on too strong to those whom I open up to. I share everything, trusting. I fear that this sometimes scares my friends away. They are afraid, for some reason--as if, by bursting open in such a manner, I will mimic the tulip, showing my warm, eager center only to fall apart and lose my parts at the first rainstorm.
It is this touch of honesty, of openness, that I crave, but I always fear that I've gone too far, scared someone off, exploded. I live deeply and cannot hold back. I couldn't bear the alternative: superficial, surface relationships with little depth. But so few people are willing to risk that depth, that openness anymore.
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