August 6, 2003 ~ Sometimes
Sometimes I want to point my car northwest and just keep driving.
Sometimes I will stop, look about me, smile wide, and want to cry because I'm struck by the fact that I'm breathing, and how precious that is.
Sometimes I get boiling angry at God.
Sometimes, though, I feel a peace beyond all peace.
Sometimes I want to just start screaming and cussing and raising a most unseemly racket, because I've never done that before.
Sometimes a huge, overwhelming, sweeping sadness passes over me when I think of the past.
But sometimes, when I think of the past, I smile.
Sometimes I wish that I wasn't always the calm, responsible, and stable friend.
Sometimes people mistake me for much, much older than I am.
Sometimes I want very badly to write about sex in here, but I don't.
Sometimes I cry for complete strangers, though I rarely cry for movies.
Sometimes I believe that animals understand exactly what I am saying.
Sometimes I know that they do.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed by all of the love I have in my life, from both friends and family.
Sometimes, though, I get quietly and innerly petty and selfish, and wish I had more.
Sometimes I am amazed by the kindness and compassion of others.
Sometimes I am vastly disappointed by people lacking in those departments.
Sometimes I get overly sensitive and think that people must think I am a complete idiot.
Sometimes I give and I give and I give, and then feel terribly guilty for feeling disappointed when I don't get anything back.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever actually write those novels that I have in my head.
Sometimes I feel very alone, in the biggest sense of the word.
Sometimes I look at Morgan and know that I will never really be alone.
But sometimes I wonder how in the world I will live if I lose him.
Sometimes I am very, very tempted to stop being so damn moral.
Sometimes I worry too much.
Sometimes I worry with good reason.
Sometimes I want to live in a hut in the woods.
Sometimes I think about destroying all of my belongings.
Sometimes I go on a rampage through the house, throwing things left and right into a Goodwill bag.
Sometimes Morgan stops me.
Sometimes I wonder how that man can possibly understand me so well.
Sometimes I forget to bring my canvas bag to the store, and I feel guilty for using plastic.
Sometimes I make up for it and gather up all of the accumulated plastic bags from home and bring them to the co-op to be re-used.
Sometimes I know what you're thinking, and I want to scream, "Little things like that do too matter, dammit!"
Sometimes I'm wrong and you weren't thinking that at all.
Sometimes I'm wrong because of that aforementioned "overly sensitive" bit.
Sometimes I'm entirely too stubborn.
Sometimes I insist on perfection (from myself) when I know that I shouldn't.
Sometimes I look back at my old self and can't even remember being that person.
Sometimes I wonder if I should maybe get drunk just once before I die, so I know what it's like. (I've never drunk alcohol in my life). But usually I just think that's a stupid idea.
Sometimes Morgan teases me and says that I have so much self-control that I'd not let myself get drunk no matter how much alcohol I consumed, anyway.
Sometimes I'll laugh that uninhibited laughter of children and not feel at all self-conscious about it.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't do that more often.
Sometimes I want a child right now, so badly that I tear up.
Sometimes I wish there were more hours in the day.
Sometimes Morgan and I will just look at each other and burst out laughing.
And sometimes we will just look at each other and wordlessly wrap one another in a hug.
Sometimes I wish my friends lived closer. Actually, that's not just sometimes.
Sometimes I daydream about visiting them, though.
Sometimes I'll get caught grinning like a fool for no apparent reason.
Sometimes I just let go.
This has been a collaboration for WordGoddess, "Sometimes."