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May 14, 2004 ~ Answering
Friday.
The WordGoddess collaboration this month is to answer questions sent from another member. Angel's questions arrived the other day, and wow, were they insightful. I apologize for the length, but the questions had such depth that I wanted to answer them properly.
1. I feel a kinship with you, because I also moved to a place I knew nothing about to be with somebody I had fallen in love with. Tell me what it was like for you to give up everything you were comfortable with to begin this journey.
It was December, 1998. I was riding the MAX light-rail home from downtown Portland for the last time before I left for the mountains of North Carolina. I'd just spent my last day at Portland Saturday Market (an open-air artist market), my favorite place in the whole city. As we crossed the Steel Bridge, I strained to look out the window to catch my favorite view of Mount Hood. I couldn't see the mountain, though. It was overcast and rainy. Of course it was raining. Portland (like most of the Northwest) is famous for its rain. And tears just started pouring down my face, because it hit me. I'd just missed my last view of Mt. Hood, the mountain that I'd seen every clear day of my entire life.
All the "last"s and "never again"s piled up on me in that moment and the tears just wouldn't stop flowing. Portland was my home, and all that I'd ever known. I'd already given away almost everything that I owned--all of my art supplies, almost all of my (hundreds of) books, and most of my wardrobe. I recycled all of my papers, and threw away almost every keepsake I had. All that was left of my entire material life was being packed into two duffle bags. For a packrat like me, it was a painful parting. I was turning down a full ride scholarship to a respected honors college and flying off to a tiny liberal arts school that had yet to assure me that I'd even have any financial aid at all when I got there.
And looking ahead to the goodbyes I'd soon be saying to all family and friends, I was terrified. I was leaving every place and person I'd ever known and going to a new place I'd never been that held only one single person I knew, though I'd actually met him in person only once, for a brief five days. It felt almost as if I was dying, having to say goodbye to every person I knew in such a short space of time, assigning all of my possessions to various loved ones, and there was such a sense of finality to it, because plane tickets from one cost to the other are so expensive, I knew that I'd not be able to visit very often, if at all.
It was both terrifying and exhilarating. Every support structure that I had was falling from beneath my feet, and I was going to have to completely rebuild my life. But how often do people really get a chance to completely start over? I'd gotten rid of everything, and I was going to a place where no one knew me. A clean slate. A chance to be who I wanted to be without all of the baggage of old mistakes clinging to me.
2. If you could bring one thing or person to live with you in your 'new' surroundings, what would it be and why?
You know, I don't think I would? The things just aren't important enough to me now, and the people--they have their own roots in that place which would be just as painful to tear up. I'd rather the chance to have all of the people I care about from my old home in the Northwest come here for just a visit to my new home in Southern Appalachia and show them, "See? Look what I've built for myself here. Morgan and I are so very happy, and I want to show you why I now love this place, too."
3. In one of your entries, you said that you were "leaning toward Quakerism." I'd love for you to describe your values and your beliefs.
My values are pretty simple. As for what I believe, though, I'm not sure I can define it, though I'll try. (I can tell this is going to be a long one...)
My core values--these are the ideals to which I try to hold myself: Doing unto others (and that includes animals, plants, our planet, etc.) as I would like them to do unto me. Compassion and kindness, as thoroughly as I can manage it. Every person and creature has value, and I try to see that and respect that. I try to tread as softly through the world as I can, causing as little destruction as possible (this is where things like my veganism and environmentalism come in). Mindfulness. I believe that everything I do or don't do can change the world, so I take care to attempt to make the choices that are right, true, and good. Non-violence. Honesty and frankness. Loyalty. I refuse to give in to revenge. Knowing myself and being true to myself. I try to make the most of every day, try to live passionately. Hard work. Volunteering. Never steal. I don't believe in preaching, but instead I let my life and how I live it speak for itself. Listening to the "still small voice within." And above all, love. Love Morgan, love my family and friends, love the people I cross paths with, love the animals and this amazing world, love the Source of it all, love this one beautiful and precious life that I am so very lucky to have.
What do I believe? Some history, first.
When I was little, my family attended Episcopalian Church, but I don't think I ever really developed any real belief in what was preached there. Our attendance dropped off later in my childhood. In high school, I guess you could say I was fairly agnostic. But during my senior year of high school, I moved out and boarded with a fundamentalist Christian family, and one of their house rules was attendance at their Conservative Baptist church. I had a collapsing in the pew and bawling my eyes out conversion experience there. I describe it in more detail here, but, suffice it to say, the idea of a loving God whose love you then reflect back to the world around you really touched me somewhere deep. I left that church when I came to North Carolina, and didn't join a new one. I retained a basic belief in "God," but not so much Christianity as a whole, and certainly not conservatism. (heh)
And here's the part which is kinda hard to write about, because it's been a very personal process, and I know that a lot of the people at that old church (and others like them) would be very, very disappointed in where I've gone, spiritually, since. But I've followed my heart and my faith, and that's the important thing.
For a long time I clung to that label of "Christian," like a comfortable cloak that kept me warm. But, over the last few years, I've realized that the cloak really, really didn't fit. I believed in Jesus' core teachings and values, but not in his divinity. To me, Jesus was just another person, like you or me, but a person who knew "God" more intimately than most, I suspect. But do I believe that Jesus was God? Not any more than I am or you are. Do I believe that he died for my sins? No, not really. Is the Christian definition of God right for what I feel? Not really. Do I believe it really matters what I think of any of that? No. That cloak just doesn't fit anymore. There are a lot of ways to know God, and that one just doesn't fit me.
Yes, I'm close to being a Quaker, and have attended many a Quaker meeting, because the only real core belief modern Liberal Quakers have in common is "there is that of God in every person." If you listen quietly, you can hear that still, small voice within--conscience, faith, love, God whatever you wish to call it. I've known Wiccans, Buddhists, and all varieties of Christians to attend Quaker meetings. I like the idea of group meditation and sharing of life lessons. I like that they don't have a preacher of any sort, but instead the congregation shares with each other. I like how socially active Quakers are. I rarely attend anymore. Haven't in over a year, actually. But I know that if I need a sense of spiritual community, it's there, waiting for me.
The last few years have been a process of un-defining. There aren't really any labels that define what I believe, and I don't really feel like I need them anymore. What I value is the sense of seeking out meaning and connection. Of appreciating the wonder and mysteries that can be found in everything. I hesitate, even, to say that I believe in "God" because the word "God" brings up such a specific idea for most people.
I know that I sense that there is something beyond and within the physical world, something which binds it all together, gives it meaning, and makes it more than the sum of its parts. I talk to trees, to the sky, to animals, and I truly believe that they can understand me, that they have something which one might call "soul" or "God" within them. I feel that my life has direction beyond what I give it myself. How else could I explain the shooting stars that brought me across a continent to Morgan? I still feel a sense of overwhelming love and peace.
Yet that agnostic is still within me as well. I know that I feel that connection and have a sense of fate and purpose and faith and meaning perhaps because I want to, because I'm looking for it. I was looking for and hoping for those shooting starts that night. Maybe it's all wishful thinking, my hope seeing answers where really there is only chance and coincidence. Or perhaps the meaning and connection really are there. The beautiful thing about spirituality is that you can't prove it, one way or the other. Regardless, I don't see the harm in letting that sense of "God" guide me; I don't see the harm in letting go most of the time and just believing.
4. Why vegan? Was it a choice you made long ago, or something you just always knew was the 'truth' when it came to yourself?
I'd like to clarify that I think diet is a very, very personal choice, and something each individual should come to on his or her own. Morgan eats meat (though he used to be a vegetarian), and I'm fine with that. I'm not one of those vegans. I stopped eating meat six years ago, and then gave up dairy and eggs (and other animal products) a little over a year later.
Meat was a pretty easy decision. I was in a time of transition, anyway. In the past year, I'd moved out of my mother's house--my food choices were my own for the first time, so I just stopped eating it. Why? Well, back then, there was only one real reason behind my choice. Why should all of those animals suffer and die for me to eat them, when I could be perfectly healthy not eating them? So I stopped.
Once I came to college, I started thinking a little more critically, a little more deeply. I learned about the huge negative environmental impact that meat and dairy farming have on our resources like water and land and forests, and how much pollution they cause. I realized that the lower on the food chain that you eat, the less damage you cause and less resources and energy go into your diet. So I went vegan--it seemed like the logical choice for me, considering my values of wanting to cause as little harm and destruction as possible. And I was surprised just how easy it was! One further step in the same course was switching to organic, locally-grown produce. After a few years of this lifestyle, I noticed the huge health benefits it has, and that convinced me even more.
I have loosened up a bit during the last year or so. I will occasionally eat dairy or eggs from local, organic, cruelty-free, environmentally responsible farms. The only way that I ever see myself eating meat again, though, is if it's hunted, as hunting (in moderation) is not environmentally damaging, and allows the animal a free, healthy life. I just don't see a reason to, though, when I can have such delicious vegan food in abundance.
5. When you take pictures of food, it all looks so delicious. Have you ever considered writing a book for vegan cooking, or is that where you are getting your ideas from (other books)? What are some of your favorite ingredients to include in your dishes?
The amazing and delicious cooking is Morgan's doing. He's a talented cook, and I'm trying to learn from him. We have some recipe books, but hardly ever use them. Most everything we eat is just whipped up from whatever looks good. And yes, we have tossed around the idea of putting together a cookbook (and some of you have requested it, heh). Don't know if we'd actually do it, but it would be a fun project.
My favorite ingredients. Hm. Well, I love to have fresh produce in my food, no matter what it is. Garlic and ginger are two staple root-bin items in our house. I love mushrooms to the point of obsession. heh. Really, though, for me, it's all about variety and fresh, lively, interestingly-spiced foods.
6. I adore reading your journal when it has a 'hiking' entry in it. I love seeing the pictures you take, and reading the descriptions of the path you were on. I often view your walks as spiritual journeys. Do you also see them this way? What thoughts skim through your head as you explore the wilderness around you?
Most definitely. Going hiking is the closest thing I have to a church. My hiking time is my time to recharge, to re-attune myself to my values. To feel a sense of the divine. I need that time to clear my head and just experience the beauty of the world. It's meditation. It's mindfulness. It's taking joy in whatever crosses my path. It's moving and breathing in a natural rhythm with natural surroundings. It's feeling truly, completely alive.
Thoughts? Mainly, I think about what I see, I store away descriptions of the plants and animals I come across so that I can look them up later, I feel at peace and in my element. I let whatever wants to come up come to the forefront and I meditate on it. I've worked out many a problem while hiking. I've thought about good experiences from the day. I've laughed to myself about things friends have said. I've mulled over advice. Whatever comes up.
7. I often find myself very envious of your surroundings. The nature, the lush green of everything, the flowers, the wildlife. What is it like to live by such untamed beauty?
What is it like to see a dandelion pushing up through cement? Isn't that inspiring? Doesn't a tree along a city street make your heart a little lighter? I feel that, no matter where you go, there is still natural beauty to find and take joy in.
But yes, I know that I'm lucky. I know that I would feel a huge sense of loss if I could no longer hike in a forest every day. I mean, simply driving to work every day, the mountains and forests lining the roads strike a sense of awe in me.
Mostly, though, the natural beauty of this area makes me feel extremely protective. I know how much we stand to lose, if we don't place more importance on our wild places. Last October, when two of my favorite forests where I frequently hike were lost to clear-cutting, I was depressed for months afterwards, and I still choke-up, a little, thinking about it. One for development, a subdivision. The other, pastureland. The loss of life and habitat was devastating. And I look at all of the development happening here, and how much money there is to be made when a clear-cut comes through, and I know that I will have to watch as these untamed wild paces dwindle. That makes me incredibly sad.
8. Melissa and Morgan appear to be the perfect couple. I don't ever remember reading about an argument between you two. Is it truly that way, or do you edit your journal to not include the "messier" side of your relationship?
You know, I do believe it would be terribly boring to be perfect. No messes, no challenges to overcome? No compromises to be made? To never have need to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong." No. Relationship is about growing together and working out problems as they come up. Now, granted, we don't outright fight, and we hardly ever raise our voices, even--that's just not really in our nature. But disagree, argue, get angry? Of course. Not terribly often, thankfully, but it happens.
I said quite a while back: "Yes, of course we argue, disagree, get cross with one another. That's human. But to have this larger context surrounding every spat, a history or agreement, compassion, and love, and to look up from the current frustration, see that vast experience, turn around, and say, 'I love you more than this. It doesn't matter.'"
Last night, for instance, Morgan had had a hard day at work, and I was sleep-deprived and frustrated about something else, and we ended up snapping at one another over something stupid, I don't even remember what. There we were, both angry and frustrated, but then we caught each other's eyes and started to laugh, realizing how ridiculous we were being. "I love you," he said, and we hugged and apologized. Perspective and a sense of humor are incredibly important with us.
I don't consciously censor the disagreements. But I tend to treat this journal like a scrapbook, a place to put the things that I want to record and remember. So, just as, in the midst of a disagreement, we both try to focus on the wider context, forgiveness, healing, that's what I do here, too. When it's something really big and really important to both of us, like back when we were struggling to reconcile Morgan's dream of Grad school with our hope for children and my infertility issues, I always include it in the journal.
9. I have often felt the way you do about consumerism (especially the mall), and try to avoid it at all costs. What advice can you give to people who are trying to break out of malls and find their own space with the smaller shops and local grocers?
The main step for me was initial realization. What do I need, and what do I not? I valued quality, environmentally conscious products made on a local scale. I also buy everything that I can used, from Goodwill and thrift shops, since that's just another form of recycling to me. For food, I knew I wanted organic, locally grown produce. Once I knew what was important to me, I had a better idea of where to look.
I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help as far as where to find things like co-ops and small local businesses, though. I found my co-op because it opened just two blocks away from my house, and most of the other stores just by exploring my neighborhood and getting hints from other like-minded people (who I found at the co-op or the college). Explore. And once you start finding places you like, talk to the people there about where they go for other things. Look up "natural foods" in your phone directory, or see if you can find any locally-published "alternative living" or "simple living" magazines or newspapers. And good luck! All of the sorts of places I shop are certainly not what you'd find advertised through normal methods like TV.
10. I have often wished that I had the strength of will to wear what I want, act how I want, and to be very vocal in what I believe (and have faith in those beliefs, as well). I think that was one of the major pulls for me to read your journal on a regular basis. You are almost all of the things I wish I could be. What words of wisdom can you pass along to somebody working in corporate America that is fighting against the box she's been stuffed into? How do you think one would get started breaking out of their cookie cutter mold?
Eep! You flatter me way, way too much. Unfortunately, I don't know how to answer that. I know who I am, and what I want to do with my life, so I just be it and do it. I guess I've always had a sense of, "I could die any minute now. Would I be happy with who I was and what I'd done? Did I fight for the right causes?" If the answer to that was no, then I knew I needed to change, so I did. I just make a habit of constantly evaluating myself and where I am, and changing what I don't like. How do you do that, except by just doing that?
I guess part of it, also, is that I don't watch TV, I don't read popular culture magazines or books, and I don't shop in stores where that culture is reinforced. I don't constantly have advertising telling me what I should be and do and love and buy. I'm lucky. I have a job where dress code isn't an issue and eccentricity can be an advantage. My friends and family wouldn't have me any differently. I don't have any reason to be concerned about fitting in.
11. I think your 'Footnotes' section on your journal is absolutely fantastic. I love following the links to other journals and read something I may not have read before. In reference to the online journals you read, what is it about them that draw you in? Is there a common link they all share?
Actually, I tend to be drawn to journallers not because of similarities, but because of their differences. I love learning about lives that are different from my own. If they're good at describing that life, I'm easily hooked.
12. My absolute favorite picture that you have shared was the first picture with your new digital camera. The one with the mirror and all of the bookcases filled with books. Can you share some of the titles? What types of books do you typically read? What is it about the volumes on those shelves that captured your attention?
Heh. And that picture doesn't even show the whole collection. Yeah, Morgan and I are bibliophiles. I guess that's just what happens when you mix an English Literature major with a Humanities and Religion major. We love books, of all sorts, and a used book store is heaven.
The majority of the books are classic literature--Les Miserables, The Divine Comedy, Moby Dick, Faust, tons of Shakespeare, and on and on from every period. Then come religion books. The majority are about Gerald Gardner, Wicca, and its history, because that's what Morgan's research focused on. Tons on Christianity. Mysticism, lots of Buddhism, Quakerism, nature religions, and then a little Islam, a little creation spirituality, some things on various cults, and you can probably find at least a mention of almost any religious group. We have some modern fiction, and we're both into sci-fi and fantasy. Lots of poetry. Tons of philosophy. History about all sorts of things. Reference books, anthologies, grammar guides and dictionaries. Encyclopedias. Psychology and sociology. Arthurian legends. Mythology. Tons of dystopias, since I did my thesis on them. Art. Lots on wolves. Field guides and outdoor manuals. And plenty of other random titles. It's quite a mix.
13. I'd love for you to share one of you happiest memories from childhood. What was your family like? You must have fantastic role models to have turned out as amazing as you have.
We were very poor, and so we were not often able to take trips. But sometimes, in the summer, when I was very young, we would take trips to the Oregon Coast, which is about two hour's drive from Portland. Sometimes we stayed in my grandparent's two-room cabin, which had no electricity, and an outhouse for a bathroom. I remember the kerosene lamps, the old dusty bed, the creaky floors, the hours we'd spend doing puzzles at the table in the main room. I remember playing in the sand pile with my brother, picking huckleberries for pie. Collecting shells and agates on the beach, digging in the sand, jumping waves in the cold, cold northern Pacific. Waves beating against cliffs. Sometimes we'd stay in a cheap motel at Depot Bay, which had access to a small beach that was boxed in by tall cliffs. That was the best agate beach. I remember one night, my father bringing me down to that beach in the moonlight at high tide, and the entire beach was gone, covered in angry water beating those cliffs. I was awed by it's beauty and terrified by its force.
My family. It's hard to look back through the eyes of an adult and interpret the perceptions of a child. There are many happy memories, and many sad ones. A lot of hurt, but a lot of love. Both formed who I am, but it would be too complicated to trace that here.
14. I know myself. I would not be able to volunteer at the wolf rescue shelter without wanting to take every single animal home with me. How do you do it? What is it like to rest your hand on the head of a wolf and have it lick your hand? I know that I have become misty-eyed just reading about it. To actually partake in the experience must be just mind-boggling.
Working with the wolves has been a process of falling in love over and over and over again. To be accepted (or, if I'm lucky, loved) by one of these incredible animals is one of the best feelings in the world. I have fallen so naturally into this role, and befriending these huge, complex, dangerous, loving animals feels perfectly normal. But sometimes, when I am wrestling with Banjo, having my face and hands covered in kisses from KK, having the whole five-pack sniffing at me as I lay new bedding in their den, being pulled along by Yetti on her lead, or pulling tufts of shedding fur from Autumn's coat, I stop and think, and suddenly I say to myself, "This is a wolf. How can this be real?"
I do fall in love with them. I do. My time there is spent intimately with them, trying to help them get to a point where they can trust humans again. That's hard work, personal work. When ones that I have become close to are adopted, it is bittersweet, because I am so happy that our work with them has helped, I am so happy that they will have a loving home with much more room to run, yet I know that I will never see them again and that the bond that we have developed is going to ache, terribly. (KK, for instance, is leaving soon, and she will be a painful goodbye.) But I try to focus on how very lucky I am to get the chance to bond with and help so many different animals. My time with them is essential to bring them to the point where they can find that happy, loving home that they so deserve.
And I do wish that I could bring them home with me, of course. But I also know what is best for them. Wolves and high-content wolf-dogs are not house pets. And even the low-content wolf-dogs need land and a pen to run in. As renters, Morgan and I cannot provide for their needs right now. (For some reason, I don't think our landlord would be pleased if, when he was pointing to the "no pet" line of our lease, our defense were, "But he's not a pet. He's a wolf.") It is better for them to go to a place where their needs can be provided for.
Now, once we have our own place...
15. You've been awfully quiet lately. What are you up to over there?
I wish I could answer that succinctly. Why I've not been writing, I mean. Is it really the fourteenth of May? The days fly by with no record of their passing. What I've been up to is easy enough. First, I was catching up on all sorts of things after my trip to DC and the Woman's Rights March, and doing a lot of thinking about what happened while I was there. (Yeah, mostly doing a LOT of thinking). I've been working with the wolves twice a week. Working my normal job too, of course. Morgan and I are doing a lot of planning for what we want to do with the next two years (visions of mountain real-estate dancing in our heads...). We've both been extremely busy with business related to being on the Board of Directors at the wolf sanctuary.
Oh, and the coleslaw, of course. heh. This past Saturday we held a huge Barbeque fundraiser for the wolves. Morgan and I worked hard most of our free time last week and all of Saturday to help it come together. We were also in charge of making the coleslaw, which Morgan took care of, for the most part. Fifteen gallons of coleslaw. That's over a hundred pounds of coleslaw. Morgan dreamed of cabbages and vinegar for days... Ah, but it was worth it, because we raised a lot of money and even more awareness for the animals, and that's the important part.
Sometimes, I just need a break from writing here. I come back refreshed and recommitted every time.
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