December 7, 2004 ~ Dreams
Tuesday.
Missy KK
I turned toward the trees where I could hear three wolves approaching. It was late fall, and it had recently rained. KK, Dream, and Ten Bears broke through the underbrush and ran straight for me. Ten Bears came up for a sniff, Dream following closely, turning her head to be scratched. Missy KK rolled and groveled at my feet, licking my face when I crouched next to her. They had been hunting, but were unsuccessful, they told me. But don't you have something for us to eat? Contentment and happiness shone from their noses to their tails.
But something was wrong. KK and Dream would never be together. And these wolves would never be loose. Slowly, the dream faded and I woke. As soon as I did, however, I wanted to go back to the warmth of the illusion. Those three wolves have left the rescue, and I will likely never see them again. The time with them, though only a figment of my subconscious, was precious to me, and I wanted the visit to be drawn out. One more kiss from Missy KK. One more chance to scratch Dream under her muzzle. One more time to feel Ten Bears nudge his curious nose against me.
The reality that they will never have a wild life where they can freely roam and hunt also set in, and hurt. I wish they could be their true selves. Free to make their own choices. Not captive. But there is no place in the world for animals like them to roam free. Once in captivity, always in captivity. Trust and knowledge of humans cannot be unlearned. They would be a danger to people and to themselves.
When KK left, Montague, her penmate, mourned her for months (mourns her still, I suspect). I did too. But it was a happy goodbye. Her new human sends word and pictures of her back to us occasionally. Missy KK is very happy and fulfilled in her new home. She has a bigger pen and a loving human who can give her full-time attention. I'm sure such a sweetheart like KK is in heaven with that.
Dream
I arrived at the rescue early on the morning when they were crating Dream and Ten Bears for their trip up North to their new home at a different sanctuary. Dream's mouth hung open a little, and her eyes were a little glazed. Paws spread wide to keep her balance. Tranquilized for the trip. (She still managed to pull an entire large tarp through the bars of her crate and shred it into itty bitty pieces once in the van, though). Ten Bears was frightened, but a complete sweetheart as we carried him to the van to join Dream. I whispered my love and goodbyes through the bars, giving a few last scratching sessions. I cried openly as the van drove off.
Dream never really loved me, but she also didn't hate me, and that was saying a lot, considering I'm a fairly small blonde woman (she hates blondes, especially small ones--and I've seen her prejudice in action before). Some days she let me know not to approach, but most she would whine for some scratchin's and even give me a lick if she was feeling particularly tolerant. Dream is complicated, an extremely alpha animal, and it was her complexity and independent will that attracted me so much. It was very hard to see her go, but, at the same time, she and Ten Bears shared a very cramped pen at our rescue. Because of Dream's highly selective taste for people to be friendly with, none of the volunteers that we currently had could know with assurance that they could enter Dream's pen without getting hurt. We couldn't safely keep her and Ten Bears anymore.
Ten Bears
At the new sanctuary, Dream and Ten Bears have a ton of space to run, and, luckily, Dream has really fallen in love with her caretaker. Those two wolves are very happy, and they have finally found a true home. I can't say how relieved I am at that.
It has been months since they left and even more since KK, yet I am still dreaming of these wolves. I suspect I'll never stop.
Banjo
The last few weeks the wolf dreams have been very frequent and vivid, and I'm not sure why. I've also dreamed quite a lot about Banjo and his pen mate Yeddy (I think I've spelled her name wrong in the past). Several months ago, Morgan and I started noticing different behavior in Banjo. Adult behavior. He was coming of age. Before that happened, he needed to be better trained, as he is becoming a very dominant animal (and quite mischievous on top of it).
So Morgan and I have been spending any spare time we have while there training and working with Banjo. And, you know, I think I'm learning more than Banjo is. Banjo is incredibly sweet-natured but also incredibly mischievous, and an extremely powerful animal. Working with him is more complex than any of the other animals there.
Over dinner last night, Morgan and I were discussing our work with Banjo.
"My relationship with Banjo is so complicated," I sighed.
Morgan looked bemused. "Girly, I think any human's relationship with a wolf would be pretty damn complicated, by necessity."
I laughed. "Heh. No kidding."
"Wolves are predators. They are designed for killing. Humans are by nature soft and squishy, and rather vulnerable. To interact on a personal, social level with one of these animals is a tricky feat indeed."
And he's right. But at the same time, I can't get enough time with the wolves. My relationships with them are some of the most complex yet rewarding that I've ever had in my life.
Monty
Other animals from the rescue keep showing up in my dreams as well. Monty, of course. I can't wait until we have our new place ready to adopt him.
And then there are Yeti, Teddy, and Cierra. When one of the new bigger pens was finished, these three were moved from their old, small, muddy pens into the new pen together where they could run and play. I've enjoyed watching them lounge on the deck of their house, play keep away with stuffed animals, or just chase each other around and around the pen with joyful, rambunctious postures.
Yeti
When I first came to the rescue, Teddy and Yeti were both extremely timid animals, but very curious. If I (or anyone) sat in their pen, they would come up and sniff me all over, but if I made the slightest move toward petting either of them, they'd bolt. Well, Mark, one of the other volunteers, started slowly working with them. Rewarding them for letting him touch them by giving treats. Soon they let Morgan and me do this too.
It took months and months, but now, Yeti and Teddy will both frequently voluntarily come to me for scratchin's, even though I don't always have treats for them. They are still extremely shy, but they have let their guard down a little for certain people, and every day it gets better.
It's an incredibly beautiful thing, to watch any of these animals heal from past abuses, transform from a scared and timid animal to a confident and loving one.
Cierra
And every time we move a new group of animals out of old, cramped pens and into new, better quality, spacious ones, my heart grows a little lighter.
click here to help the wolves!
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