January 22, 2005 ~ Bathing Instructions
How to give a bath to a humongous dog who is scared of everything and not used to a house:
1 full-sized bathtub in a bathroom that has a firmly closing door (so that the wet, terrified, humungous dog cannot run through the house and--with one single shake in the living room--ruin over a thousand books and six book shelves, an antique writing desk, two pieces of original art work, two heirloom mandolins and a grandmother-made lamp, a rug, and two couches).
1 bottle of dog shampoo.
Running water. (which has not been terribly reliable 'round these parts lately).
1. Change into a swimming suit with shorts.
2. Coax the dog into the bathroom with treats.
3. Attempt to lift the terrified dog into the bathtub as he squirms and kicks and writhes.
4. Tend to wounds.
5. Crawl into tub with dog to hold him down while your husband pours water all over him and tries to work it into his thick winter coat.
6. Bite your lip to hold in the curses when he sinks his claws into your leg because it's the only thing in the tub that will give him any traction.
7. Pin him into the tub while your husband works the shampoo into his coat.
8. Try to maintain consciousness after the dog (who is now trying to crawl behind the toilet in an attempt to hide) bolted out of the tub and sent you crashing into the porcelain.
9. Repeat steps 3 through 5, this time with a wet, sudsy, slippery 115 pound dog.
10. Restrain yourself from yelling when he slips through both of your fingers and runs for the door.
12. Rinse dog, who is now finally back in the tub but hiding his head in your crotch and trembling.
13. Give up the attempt to towel-dry when the dog shakes and covers the rest of the bathroom in water.
14. Dispense treats and lovin's and scratchin's. Brush out his coat.
15. Get back in the tub to shower, since you are now covered in dirt and sweat and shampoo and dog hair (and possibly blood).