April 20, 2005 ~ Down to the River
Wednesday.
from a hike this past weekend
First of all, in answer to this anonymous message in the guestbook:
"Don't want to be a party-pooper or anything, and I do wish you and the baby the greatest of health and a hearty congratulations, but you do know how likely a miscarriage is, right? Just hate to see you get your hopes up so high, to get so attached to this baby and then be so disappointed if something goes wrong, since it's so, so early yet."
Shortly: Yes, I am very much aware of how likely a miscarriage is, especially when endometriosis is factored in. I've read entirely too much (and had too many friends who have had miscarriages) to be that naive. I am not, however, going to live in worry, pessimism, and fear of miscarriage when there is a very good chance of it never happening.
Right now, I am pregnant. It is an incredible feeling. I am joyful of the new life that I am carrying with me. I love this child with all of my heart now, am attached to this child now, because this child exists and is worthy of love. What sort of mother would I be to deny love, to hold myself back, to be aloof until a certain amount of "safe" time has passed?
There is no such thing as a certain amount of safe time. Tragedy can strike at any moment for anyone.
There is a child growing inside of me. I've felt the changes in my body, I've seen my child's small form on an ultrasound screen, and I've watched the pulsing of a tiny heart. I would have to be heartless to maintain a "healthy" detachment.
Thank you for your congratulations and your wishes for health, but please check your pessimism and warnings at the door. Know that I am well informed, but wish not to dwell in worry and fear until there truly is something to worry about.
the pinkish white just beyond the grass is
thousands of wildflowers -- "spring beauties"
There are so many things that I have been meaning to do, so many entries that I have been meaning to write.
The doctor's visit last Friday was incredible, and it was such a relief to know that all is well so far, after that scare a few weeks ago. The doctor was very helpful, answered all of our questions, and she had absolutely no qualms about us seeing a midwife--encouraged it, in fact. (I knew I liked her.) The due date I had figured, counting weeks from ovulation, was December 2nd or 3rd, the ultrasound technician estimated December 6th, based on the baby's current size, but since due dates don't usually matter much anyway, we're just calling it "early December, possibly late November" and leaving it at that.
We had a wonderful weekend, full of lots of hikes, events, and friends. But the highlight of the weekend was taking Rose and Monty to the river. We brought along the tie-out line so that they could get in the water if they wished.
down to the river
We stopped at a rocky beach section, and Rose got to go first. She daintily pawed at the water in a few different places. But then, as she was leaning over the side of a boulder to paw at the water again, she just fell in. And lordy, you should have seen the surprised look on her face when she came up. Morgan and I were too busy helping her climb back up on the boulder to take a picture, but good grief it had us laughing.
Rose at the water's edge
Once Monty was on the line, he didn't hesitate at all. He jumped right in and started paddling around...
...until the current caught him. I remember the precise moment his face changed from "Hey! This is really fun! I'm having the time of my life!" to "Oh no! The bank is receding! I'll never see my family again!" I reeled him in by the line, trying not to laugh, and he rewarded me by shaking stinky river water all over me.
Monty by the water's edge
Both of them were so, so happy though to have the relative freedom of the tie-out line in a brand new place they'd never explored. Monty was grinning and prancing about, and Rose was wild and feral, racing around the bank and in and out of the water, sometimes splashing and chasing minnows or shadows.
"you belong among the wildflowers"
I'll leave you with a few pictures from the river. There are hardly any of Monty, because when he wasn't in the water, he was following dutifully at my side, despite the freedom of the tie-out line. Silly boy. He's too well leash-trained.
Monty and me, enjoying ourselves
Rose wading
Monty exploring the bank
hunting minnows
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